Franklin Pierce: the College of Silly Walks

     I don't walk to class often, though the campus here is rather small. My preference for driving to class is mostly due to an inability to get my ass moving in the morning, and therefore, a tendency to be late. I am also extremely lazy. Today, though, upon seeing the droopy sky and gray ambivalence of the Rindge, New Hampshire air, I could not resist an early morning stroll across campus, so I plugged my ears with the crooning of "Earth Wind and Fire," and began my pursuit of knowledge on foot.

     While ambling across the field--the moist, muddy grass seeping and bubbling into my absorbent canvas sneakers, (why the heck will that grass never dry!)--I could not help but notice my fellow beknapsacked peers, drifting zombie-like along the sidewalks, heading toward their own morning classes, or perhaps to the cafeteria, where they will invariably enjoy absurdly fluffy scrambled eggs.

The Average FPU Student

     The student body at Franklin Pierce is very unique, for it tends to be comprised of the rejects of other more affluent schools. Though one may see this as detrimental to the scholastic experience, I seriously beg to differ--the professors here are top notch (since when is "notch" not spelled with a "k"?), and the incapable students are pruned out by second semester of Freshman year. Nonetheless, Franklin Pierce attracts a very startling student body--one which is marked, I dare to admit it, by unattractiveness. Snaggle teeth and frizzy hair abound here, so much so that during our first visit to the school,  my mother was rendered practically speechless by the clientèle of the Franklin Pierce cafeteria. "Wow," she said, over and over again, astounded by each student her eyes fell upon. Even I had to admit, it was the ugliest collection of students I had seen thus far in my college search. "This is the college for me," I thought, and for reasons my mother will never understand, Franklin Pierce was solidified in that moment as my top choice.

      Aside from ugliness, one subtle characteristic common to Franklin Pierce students which often goes unnoticed is the tendency for silly walks--really, if you just watch people walk through campus on the average day, the ratio of abnormal walkers to normal walkers is quite staggering (taha, I made a funny). So plentiful are  the silly walking students that I would not be surprised if there is a portion of the application to Franklin Pierce which asks the applicant's favored walking style. ("Check yes if you walk in an awkward fashion. If you checked "Yes," please explain"). From what I have discerned in my three years here, in comparison to the applicants of normal striding behavior, awkward walkers are a shoe-in.

     I will now break down for you a few of the different types of silly walkers which can be found on this campus. In order to fully appreciate these different types of silly walkers, I recommend you get up yourself and test out a few. Also, whether or not you attend Franklin Pierce, it may be wise to ask yourself just where you fit in on the silly walk spectrum.

Among the most common silly walks around these parts is the ol' classic: pigeon toes. Tommy Pickles did it, as apparently did Babe Ruth. Perhaps following in their footsteps (I'm on a roll, here), many students prefer to let their little piggies drift inward and their heels outward, making for an awkward, quirky shuffle. The degree to which the students are pigeon toed varies quite significantly. Some have only a mere hint of pigeon-ness in their gait, while others have toes turned so drastically inward that their knees never seem to part. This is not an attractive feature, for it creates the appearance of a permanently full bladder, and leaves the observer to wonder whether, in conjunction with the seemingly attached thighs, the silly-walker has any genitals at all.

Converse to the pigeon-toed among us are the duck-footed individuals--that is, people who walk with their toes turned outward. This is a rather amusing way of walking, for the duck-toed individual often resembles a cowboy who has just recently dismounted his horse after a long day in the saddle. According to my limited research on the matter, some individuals--young men in particular--resort to this jaunty saunter when donning a pair of overly large pants with loaded pockets. Unequipped with a belt or pair of suspenders, these droopy-drawered fellows are forced to splay their knees in order to keep their entire nether region from exposure. Whether the result of some natural inclination for parted knees, or the result of heavy pockets and a wide waste band, duck-footed students are highly represented here at good ol' Franklin Pierce.

Figure 1

Now we arrive at my very favorite type of silly walk: the dead-armed, ramrod straight, stick-up-the-ass stride. Common especially among scrawny, ill-tempered students with aversions to eye contact, this unmistakable traipse is marked by a very disconcerting feature--the complete immobility of the arms. Now, when the average person walks, runs, skips, gallops, what have you, his/her arms casually swish and swing along his/her sides (See Figure 1). This is not a conscious action--it happens automatically to ensure balance--it's probably even evolutionary for Pete's sake.

That being so, when seeing the dead-armed among us, I am always tempted to elicit a shiver. It's just plain unnatural! To not swing one's arms suggests that the individual is consciously fighting a natural impulse to do so. And why fight the urge? That's like deciding to refrain from ever bending one's knees--it's inconvenient, awkward, and downright silly. (In elementary school, my friend Marie and I used to play a game where, at the end of lunch, we would get in the front of the line and lead the rest of the students up the stairs to class. In an effort to amuse ourselves, we would refrain from bending our knees at all costs, and would take absurd amounts of time swinging our straightened, gangly legs up the two flights of stairs. The resulting traffic jam of frustrated and confused peers provided fodder for plenty an afternoon giggle session).
But seriously, to the stationary-armed out there: please, succumb to the impulse, and let those noodle-y little arms swing free.

Oh, Franklin Pierce. You are truly a breeding ground for unattractiveness and oddities. Contrary to any negativity which may be intrinsic to this post, it is exactly the unconventional aspect of this student body that draws me to it. So, whether one walks silly or talks silly or is prone to possession of the spirits of the underworld, I salute the students of Franklin Pierce. United by our idiosyncrasies, we are a student body filled with fascinating, unique characters. I wouldn't trade the seemingly unattractive or peculiar among us for a million normal-walking, pretty faced drones. That being said, Franklin Pierce, hold your chin up proudly, and walk tall.