Crusty Snow

      Today, the whole world is shrugging its shoulders. The snow is sagging and gray. It looks like a blanket that's coming untucked, rumpled at the edges, in need of a wash. The air is surprisingly warm, but the sun is obscured by a fine mist. It is not raining; the earth is melting. 

      I hate the look of old snow, glossed with a crisp crust of ice, and tainted with the grit kicked up by so many snowplows. The snow is receding, and nothing green lives underneath--only dirt, sand, and salt. 

I had to bring Ben to the airport today. It was such a brief visit, only two days spent together. As we pulled into the airport, I felt slighted. Hadn't I just driven into the Arrivals area so short a time ago, filled with anticipation and excitement? And hadn't I only just swooped in at the Southwest gate, spotting his slight frame against the dreary background of bustling businessmen and winter sparsity, ramming my car into park, and leaping on him? I had. He had smelled like airplanes, and like Ben. But then, the excitement was suddenly over, and the looming Departures sign glowered down at me. Tears froze on my cheeks, and I clamored back into the drivers seat. It was time to go home.

      It's funny how quickly we dip back into old routines. I am already used to his absence, already accustomed to our reliance on cell phones. Text messages sent with mittened hands, we express our love in 160 characters or less. Back to reality, I suppose. 

     We had such a great time this weekend, though. I appreciate every second that I got to spend with him, and I shouldn't be so negative about the goodbye aspect of our relationship. It just gets really hard, because saying hello and being in each other's presence feels so amazing, it's hard to relinquish that. It's hard knowing we each have to settle back into the humdrum of our daily lives, deprived of each other, except for occasional phone calls or texts. 

      If I were reading this blog, I would be gagging and retching and ripping my eyeballs right out of their sockets. But you've got to know. Ben and I are two peas in a goddamn pod. We truly bring out the best in each other, and I consistently have the most fun just sitting next to him, or watching TV with him, or whatever. My favorite thing, though, and the thing I miss the most about him physically being near me, is waking up next to him in the morning. Just thinking about it makes me feel all warm, but then empty as a bempty (as Ben would say). 

     I am going to try to dial it down on the corn (although I do love corn). I am also going to try to cut down on the negativity. Winter is a difficult season for exuberance and positive energy. Except for when it snows. There is nothing more refreshing and purifying than a fresh snowfall. I hope to see some fluffy flakes fall soon.